Embrace Wabi Sabi Love

A Marriage is always worth saving

Farzana Contractor believes in living life true to her nature. To uphold her missive – live life simply, honestly – she urges us to regain the old style of stress-free living like our forefathers did. When they knew just how much was enough to be content, happy and healthy

 


When I sat myself down to write this column, I pondered about a theme... and a scene from the past flashed through my mind. A table at a restaurant, where there were 10 people seated, including me, the bride. It was lunch time.

Yes, Behram and I had just got married an hour ago at the Registrar at Old Customs House and with the certificate carefully folded and kept in Behram's chest pocket, we were here now at Mandarin, a restaurant owned by his best friend, and one of the witnesses to our marriage, Mr Mun Yu Tham.  The other two were also present, Habiba Miranda and my friend, Selma D'Silva.

When I think back, I can't imagine a simpler, more Wabi Sabi wedding than mine. There was a white Fiat car, upon which some roses had been "cello-taped' by the waiters of Mandarin, which took us to and fro the registrar's. Post lunch we all said our thanks and goodbyes and we headed to the Parsi Gymkhana where Behram had to drop the typed copy of some article that he had promised to write for them. Remember the year was 1985 and in those days we couldn't just type out something on the typewriter and punch a button which said Send.


Well, the 16 years, two months and one week that I was married were and are the most cherished period of my life. From the time I have been married to now, single for an equal number of years, I have been the biggest supporter of the "institution of marriage.' Being married is wonderful, right?

But the thing is, marriages are falling apart so easily these days. Less and less people opt for marriage, in the first place. "Living together is a lot simpler. We don't need a piece of paper to prove our love. What's in marriage anyway?" These are just some of the comments that young people make, most nonchalantly, dismissing the age-old tradition of saying, "I do."

What makes them so afraid to tie the knot, make a commitment? Is it because divorce is happening far more frequently? And they would rather avoid the mess. What's going on with human relationships? Why is togetherness that comes from oneness that springs from the fact that you have someone in your life, "in happiness and sorrow, in good times and bad," being short-changed.

Which is what brings me to this column and the subject I have chosen, being in love, being married, feeling special, belonging to someone, knowing someone is yours...

Can we apply the principles of Wabi Sabi to love? Can Wabi Sabi help erring or quarrelling lovers? Can it make us see life differently? Yes, quite simply, it can. Wabi Sabi to the rescue then.

All you have to do is use some common sense, have patience, be positive, look for the best, instead of always the worst.

Nothing is perfect, right? And that includes us too. None of us are perfect. And we all grow, we change. Our experiences change us. From being in our 20s when we are happily married, when we think the world of each other, to being in our 40s or 50s, still married but unhappy and indifferent, what has changed? Us! And the way we view each other after the polish has lost its shine. But why? Everything changes, as everything must. Isn't change the only constant?

It's strange when we eat the same food everyday or wear the same clothes or do the same things every day, we say it's boring, we need a change. Yet when people change we are not happy, we complain and grumble, "Oh, he/she has changed!'

Change is inevitable. Change can be beautiful, if only we look at it rightly. With the right perspective. If only we would accept the change, there would be fewer tears. Curb your annoyance, control your frustration, look at the other through a kinder, gentler lens. Compromise isn't a bad thing and certainly not something to go to war for! Peace and joy versus anger and resentment. Which would you opt for?

For Christ's sake you live together. You go to bed together. You have someone to  tu to in the middle of the night when you feel a scary sensation in your chest. You've probably made some nice children together whose happiness you both cherish, why then, not live life in a happy state, like once upon a time...

Why take each other for granted? You may have experienced the empty nest syndrome, it's nothing compared to an empty chair at the dining table. It's never too late to make amends. Sorry is not just a beautiful word, it's a very powerful word. But sorry means sorry. Forgive, forget and move on, go forward, with the wind in your hair, towards a new horizon.

I am fully aware, we live in times where we tend to replace rather than fix something that is broken (I am looking for someone to repair my TV since a month), and relationships take the brunt of it. Bad marriage, not getting along, chalo let's separate, divorce, find new love.

But wait, what makes you so sure the next person will be perfect? Forget it, tweek your thinking. Be compassionate, be caring, be sensible. Think Wabi Sabi.  Wabi Sabi love is about fixing, renewing, mending broken ties. It's about learning to deal with flaws, accepting your partner as a human being, not a robot programmed to your liking. It's about holding a mirror to your own self, seeing your own faults, acknowledging your own limitations, your own inconsistencies, being true to yourself and fair to the spouse. It's about having realistic expectations and being happy in your own mind. About not creating your own disappointments. It's about being happy you have someone to share your life with, eat meals together, go to the movies, go for walks, on holidays. Have someone to crib about the new and empty ways of the world! It's about finding solutions together, addressing each other's anger, that dangerous element which is bad on both ends of the spectrum, when it is left unexpressed or indulged in, too much.

So friend, don't nag, just wag, be like your sweet dog, happy about everything, including the lousy, dry dog food you serve him, every day!

On a serious note there is another aspect, more serious, more damaging, being unhappy in marriage. Strife, hurt, anger, resentment, pain, sorrow, tears on a daily affair becomes life-threatening, a health hazard. Recent studies have confirmed that  unhappy and destructive relationships, non-stop stress can lead to everything from depression to heart problems and high blood pressure. It reduces your immunity, leading you to succumb to ill health, sometimes even gravely.

Leave toxic alone. Talk, communicate, discuss, tear to shreds that what displeases you, have a fight, but don't get into a shell, incommunicado, don't build a wall around you. Sort it out, have a little self-conscious laugh, then go deep into yourself, find your own answers and  celebrate your own personal reality.

Each of us is unique and that is not boring.