How Does one Stay Happy? Simple, Train your Mind

I barely knew my husband when we got married. I had known him less than three months when I had proposed to him, which luckily he had accepted with a soft and cryptic, “Okay, if you want.”

Therefore, the process of getting to know him happened, as it would in say, an arranged marriage. Except life was in such turmoil soon after we married, ‘coz he had quit Mid-Day a couple of days earlier, where he was the editor, and also gave up his apartment to his landlady, Mrs KumudPatwa, just two weeks prior to that. So here we were now, jobless and homeless, but much married. Not the best of situations. Therefore, it was quite something to see how calm and serene he was through it all. So one day I asked him, how come he remained this composed in spite of all the chaos? How could he be so unperturbed even as he went out shopping for a “newspaper financier” leaving dozens of his jobless colleagues hanging around in my care in our studio apartment at Kemps Corner.

“How do you stay so happy?” I asked, flummoxed. And he replied, “Because I have trained myself to be happy.” I didn’t understand it right then, but by and by, living with Behram, I understood what he meant, just watching him…

Happiness is ephemeral. Largely. Just as life is. Or aspects of it. We have to merely learn to deal with it. Within our mind. Dispassionately. Wisely. Calmly. It’s the mind which is the monkey. Which has to be controlled. Or trained, in Behram’s words.

So, how to be happy?

This has been on my mind the past few days. The same mind that troubles one, jumps from here to there. Causes worries but also gives intense happiness.

Strange how things happen. Let me tell you what happened to me, right in the midst of my hyperactive life.

Heard of Epictetus? No? I hadn’t, either. Until now. When a slim little book, nondescript, well-worn, fell out of my huge bookcase which my maid and I were trying to dust, in parts as we do, every other month.  A terrible chore in itself, since I have this mammoth one floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall.

I bent to pick up the book and realised I hadn’t seen it before. Pretty mysterious since I know all the books I possess. Perhaps it may have slipped inside another bigger book or got stuck to the back of an encyclopaedia. It wasn’t mine for sure. Behram’s, perhaps. And then I noticed the title. Be Happy, it said. And above it, in small font, How To and under it A Classic Manual by Epictetus. Ah, well, How to Be Happy… My search had ended. Helped by Behram Contractor. I would go through this thin little book. It somehow seemed fortuitous.

But wait, there is more. In Behram’s legacy of friends to me, there is someone called Sunita BC. She is the widow of Ram BC, a good friend of Behram’s. Sunita is someone I like very, very much. Petite, charming, vivacious, always in chiffon sarees which she would drape dangerously low on her slim hips. I hadn’t seen her around lately so I checked with Kajal, her daughter and learnt she has been pretty unwell and did not socialise anymore. I felt sad, so I told her I would come and see Sunita.

That was a month ago! Sunita slipped out of my mind and my mind continued to juggle with time and deadlines and mundane activities, until this dusting episode and the finding of the book. I shall soon tell you why.

Later that night, I sat to read the book. A treasure trove, I discovered. Simple, yet monumental in its simplicity, showing you ways of attaining happiness. I was quite taken up by it. And wondered how I could take Epictetus’ brilliant philosophical nuggets to a larger audience when I thought of writing about it in this column of mine. Sighing, I closed the diary-sized book, all of 46 pages, with no intro, nothing, and guess what I saw printed on the back, right at the bottom, in small font, in five lines, RAM/Ram lives forever in our hearts/This is an offering of our gratitude/For the love we are always receiving/ Sunita, Anil and Kajal.

It was a memento, no doubt sent after Ram BC passed away in 1998.

I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but I see profundity in this discovery.  I feel every act that happens, happens for a reason. ‘What is happiness’ has never been a subject my mind has dwelled on, before. Yet I was, now. Going to see Sunita, was a constant lingering thought. But finding the book and going and seeing her the very next day, was majorly linked to my happiness and peace of mind. Even if she did not recognise me. She smiled when I tried to make her laugh.

I do think everything that happens, happens for a reason. We mustn’t dismiss anything unusual away, however trivial. Allow me then to bring you in random fashion, some of Epictetus’ key points, the ones that appealed to me, on how to be happy. I shall give you a header and a couple of sentences under each, okay?

Know What You Can Control and What You Can’t

It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.

Within our control are our own opinions, aspirations, desires and the things that repel us. These areas are quite rightly our concern, because they are directly subject to our influence. We always have a choice about the contents and character of our inner lives.

Outside our control, however, are such things as what kind of body we have. Whether we’re born into wealth or strike it rich, how we are regarded by others, and our status in society. We must remember that those things are externals and are therefore not our concern. Trying to control or to change what we can’t only results in torment.

Create Your Own Merit

Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. It is not to be found in your personal associations, nor can it be found in the regard of other people. It is a fact of life that other people, even people who love you, will not necessarily agree with your ideas, understand you, or share your enthusiasms.

Create your own merit. Get to it right now, do your best at it and don’t be concerned with who is watching you.

Do your own useful work without regard to the honour or admiration your efforts might win from others. There is no such thing as vicarious merits. Other people’s triumphs and excellences belong to them.

You can be justifiably happy with yourself and at ease when you’ve harmonised your actions with nature by recognising what truly is your own.

Approach Life As a Banquet

Think of your life as if it were a banquet where you would behave graciously. When dishes are passed to you, extend your hand and help yourself to a moderate portion. If a dish should pass you by, enjoy what is already on your plate. Or if the dish hasn’t been passed to you yet, patiently wait your turn.

Carry over this same attitude of polite restraint and gratitude to your children, spouse, career and finances. There is no need to yearn, envy and grab. You will get your rightful portion when it is your time.

Speak Only With Good Purpose

Perfecting our speech is one of the keystones of an authentic spiritual programme. First and foremost, think twice before you speak to make sure you are speaking with good purpose. Glib talks disrespect others. Breezy self-disclosure disrespects yourself. So many people feel compelled to give voice to any passing feeling, thought or impression they have. They randomly dump the contents of their minds without regard to the consequences. This is practically and morally dangerous. If we babble about every idea that occurs to us – big and small – we can easily fritter away in the trivial currents of mindless talk, ideas that have true merit. Unchecked speech is like a vehicle wildly lurching out of control and destined for a ditch.

If need be, be mostly silent or
speak sparingly.