Emotions & Health

A Direct Correlation

How do we cope with the stress of everyday pandemic life? Farzana Contractor shares her thoughts on keeping the mind calm, clear, and the spirit, too. Do unto others as you would yourself, give, be content.

Each of us has gone through the past few months of an excruciatingly difficult year in our own unique way. We have seen life through our own personal prisms, made our own notes based on these observations with the intention of learning to live as well we can, given the challenging scenario.

My conclusion has been that the predominant reaction of the rich and the privileged, largely speaking, has been one of utmost fear. They have stayed locked in, in their ivory towers, worrying, wondering, whispering, ‘Gosh, what’s going on, when will all this end, what’s the future going to be like?’ And they have passed their time with a little bit of help from Netflix and Google, working furiously on their smartphones, absorbing and believing, not-so-smartly, everything The University of WhatsApp taught them. There have been controversies galore. Wuhan and the Chinese, labs and man-made viruses, Bill Gates and vaccines and what not! Most of us have been entrapped in hundreds of discussions while the WHO fanned our insecurities, yes, the vaccine will soon arrive, no, the vaccine is not coming, not until the end of next year! To be honest, to keep my sanity intact, I stopped reading all such things, including shutting off the TV, with all the anchors screaming their lungs out. In all fairness, if the fear psychosis was building up, it was because nobody knew what was the truth and what, the lies. Uncertainty was the norm.  

But what did the other half, the hapless other section do? How did they respond? Well, after adhering to the rules set down by the central government for a few weeks they realised they were as good as on their own. So they yanked off their home-made or second hand surgical masks and said, ‘Who the hell cares!’ And they went about the task of seeing who would engage them in work so they could get some money from somewhere to be able to feed themselves and their hungry families. Jobs were lost, unemployment soared. Guess when you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, life and death doesn’t matter. And as it happened, we did see the plight of the thousands of daily wage workers, the migrant villagers who worked in various cities of India who started to march home, in the heat and dust, in the worst time of the year, the scorching summer. It was not the COVID that killed. It was starvation and the long walk home, the enduring of immense pain and hardship that actually did them in. What a cruel situation that was. I hung my head low umpteen number of times and did the only thing I could, I prayed…

Point is, rich or poor, what is for sure is that attitude is all important. There is a big link between our health and emotions which affects our physical state and that is the primary objective of this article. So for the upper crust reading this, pay heed. Look after your physical well-being by looking after your emotional and mental sides. Be strong in your resolve to help yourself. Immunity isn’t built just by eating well, eating right, popping vitamin pills, drinking tonics, downing turmeric latte! It comes with a changing attitude and mindset, by understanding your own true self and most importantly by watching your thoughts which is nutrition (or poison) to your mind.

Hopefully a day will arrive when the Corona will be behind us. But it won’t mean that all other ailments will have also taken leave. So make a commitment today to change your course, take control of your life, rise up to the challenge, develop into a strong and balanced person to enjoy the life that has been bestowed upon you.
Let’s start with feeling positive and upbeat. Quite simply, start with telling yourself and then believing… whatever be the case, life is worth living. These are mind mentors. Important influencers in creating good physical health which go on to become shields against illness of all kinds, from a simple headache or a cold to something as serious as cancer. Increasingly we hear that cancer is the outcome of negative emotions or emotional suppression. Therefore, our power to reshape our attitude serves two-fold, it offers us health as well as happiness. So, let us see what are the emotional checks we must develop.

Peace of mind. An immunity booster could come from a simple act, of forgiving someone, or saying a kind word, not harbouring ill will for someone, even giving a hug. Remember the jhappi of Munnabhai, how much good his hugs achieved. Even though we may have to wait until the pandemic subsides to start hugging all and sundry, you could decide, when the time is right, to give at least five hugs a day as part of your mental well-being prescription!

Another proven immunity booster is having close ties. Fortunately for all of us, the COVID helped discover that family is what matters, at the end of the day. It made people who were on war paths with one another to absolve their differences, make up, forgive and forget. Laughter, shared joys, are factors that culminate in immense benefits to the physical self. Togetherness is a beautiful feeling. Thoughts, even worries when shared soothe the soul, become a balm for the heart, ending in tranquility and fortification of the physical self.
Conversely, take anger, when suppressed or over expressed, what does it do? Apart from leaving a bitter taste in the mouth, messing up your mind, it releases negative juices in the body making your very blood toxic. It lowers immunity and in turn creates a situation to contract all kinds of illnesses, not the least being heart conditions. Anger is a powerful negative emotion which destroys the innate ability of the body’s mechanism of coping.

The first step towards cleaning your mind of toxicity is seeing what’s lurking just below the surface of your consciousness. Drag it out! Make yourself aware of what you are thinking and feeling. It’s the vague thoughts that do the most damage. Because they are not dealt with, they just persist, pulling you down, further and further. This is also the first step towards loneliness and depression, but the later is an altogether different area of discussion.

However, what I would like to address is, loneliness. It’s strange, but just before COVID hit Earth I was of the opinion that everything and everybody is right there, in your face. There was too much of everything. An assault on your private space and time. The ‘digital crowding’, as I called it, was suffocating. But now, post the peak COVID phase, I suddenly see the havoc that has been wrecked upon many people merely because they were on their own, cut off in their apartments, isolated and bored. Made me realise how important it is to be socially connected. Friends and family, interaction with neighbours, office colleagues, even your working staff; maids, cooks, drivers, contribute to your well-being. They are all the guardians of your good health.

So whether you belong to that category of people who might feel life is not worth living if your social calendar is not full and you aren’t attending a party every single night, or one among those who like to spend quality time with a chosen few, now and then, I say, go ahead – do your thing. But stay in touch. Sociability of any kind is worth cultivating. There is sufficient evidence which shows that people who belong to a network of community have a wonderful support system which keeps them healthier and better able to cope with stress, and are remarkably resistant to emotional and physical ills. As for me, I advocate one very simple exercise in this sphere; be in tune with the elderly in the family, especially distant relatives. Reconnecting with abandoned or forgotten family works wonders for all concerned. Unfortunately, the joint family system which I think was a great way to live has already broken down in our country, but we can surely hope to revive a part of it, by keeping in genuine touch with members. I remember as children, the fun we had, when we were taken to Lucknow for our Diwali holidays every year. Aunts would spoil us silly, feed us with great food, stuff our mouths at breakfast with balai, thick cream skimmed from the top of slow-boiled milk. Uncles showered us with love and gifts, simple things like glass bangles and sparklers and fresh water chestnuts and sweet mawa samosas, which they called tikona. We were also witness to fights between these very demure aunts, which were silent in nature. They would simply stop talking to each other or leave the room if the other entered it. All very polite and refined. Yet, at night, Ammi Jaan sitting on her silver charpoy would be counselling them, settling the issue and lo, behold, next day, the two aunts would be friends all over again. What I am saying is in a sensible joint family, nothing negative is allowed to fester. And the best part, meals are eaten together on a large dastarkhwan amidst much laughter. The joy of sharing…

So please, take care of yourself. Go back and ponder upon how life was in the days of yore. Live by that code, it will help. And in the meanwhile, read on. Stress, anger, money worries are all correlated. And in the same package also comes good health or bad. Finding ways to work around this factor is vital. Being contentious and full of gratitude, being helpful and giving, indulging in charity is beneficial. A giving heart is a happy and healthy heart.
Read on…

STRESS AND WAYS TO OVERCOME IT
DON’T CRUSH YOURSELF UNDER ITS WEIGHT

It is not humanly possible to escape being stressed. There are enough reasons that give us tensions of all sorts. The world is such. The Coronavirus has caused immense damage in every country and for months now. And not just physically but also mentally and emotionally which is a deeper damage, more long-term. The stress it has churned out has been mind-boggling. But it is possible to overcome stress, the predominant reason why our immunity is lowered, why we give in to illnesses. When the mind is attacked, the body has no choice but to give in.

So what can we do, how can we learn to not just cope with stress, but overcome it. Can we thrive on stress? Yes, we can. Let’s see how, let’s see what it takes. There are many people who don’t surrender to the crushing weight of stress. They see stress as a challenge and deal with it with a certain counterforce of energy and even creativity. You need self-awareness, self-management and self-renewal skills. Which means you have to be inner-directed, action-oriented and well-balanced. You have to, at first, know your feelings and understand their motivation. Then decide to take control of your time, your life. And lastly know the importance of relaxation and rejuvenation.

Tuning in to your own feelings is the first crucial step. This allows you to set your goals. You will not only know that you are doing what you want to, but also that you are responsible for yourself. Your goals, therefore, should be clear and realistic. Your inner sense of purpose must become a mission. You must not feel afraid to do something you haven’t attempted before. Overcome the fear of failure. Ask yourself questions, every step of the way. Answer them honestly. Don’t let circumstances put you off, transcend them, find ways of doing so. Every problem has a solution or two! Once that is done, your sense of personal fulfillment will be very gratifying, you will be encouraged to go further.

Look ahead at all times, don’t mull on failure. Don’t brood, something hasn’t worked out, shake it off. But once successful, don’t linger in the comfort zone either, seek new challenges, take new chances.
After all this is done, whether on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, take a break. You have to work hard, but you also have to play some. So stop to smell the coffee, the flowers by the wayside. Relax, learn to do so. You do not have to spend every wakeful hour in pursuit of your goals. Be kind to yourself, practise patience.

Above all, rely on fulfilling personal relationships, take time out for friends and family. It is very enriching and one of the biggest stress-busters!
 
ANGER: TO VENT OR NOT TO VENT

Find the balance, manage your anger and your heart! Anger is a complex issue. Everyone agrees it is a killer emotion. Is that right, is it really? To vent or not to vent is a question that has been going around in the psychological circle for a long time. While there is no clear cut answer to that question, what is clear is anger should be ‘managed’, expressed in an appropriate manner.

Different people have different ways of letting out steam. There are those who indulge, unrestrained, in explosive outbursts, yelling and shouting out their lungs, beating and slapping the provoker, being abusive, and there are others who quietly go about gritting their teeth, making sarcastic comments, inhaling and exhaling deeply, nodding their heads, or yet others who just walk away!

Anger can affect us adversely both physically and mentally. If we think of it as a form of energy which if repressed will come out somewhere, we must recognise that it can harm almost any part of our body or influence our emotions, and eventually our minds, if sufficient amounts are accumulated.

But there is a difference between “suppressed” and “repressed” anger that must be distinguished. The difference is in the conscious mind. If you consciously, deliberately, with full awareness, hold back your anger because you want to avoid an ugly situation, not want to start a fight, that’s suppression. If, on the other hand, you have unconsciously been harbouring an angry feeling towards a sibling or a friend or even a parent for some reason, for years on end, that’s “repression”, a detrimental situation with a potential for a far greater damage. There is ample research which suggests that repression – not recognising that you feel anger – contributes to gastrointestinal, respiratory, circulatory and skin disorders. Some scientists today, even believe that this emotion may be linked to cancer.

Well, over expressing or under expressing anger are both not a good idea. Suppressed anger is dangerous for health, but blowing your top off is more damaging than keeping your cool. For example, men who are at high risk from heart disease – the ones who are called Type A personalities – are usually the ones who explode with anger most times. A study conducted at the University of Michigan School of Public Health, measured the effects of anger expression, suppression and “cool reflection” on blood pressure. Results pointed thumbs down on hotheads. Men who kept their cool – who acknowledged their anger but were not openly hostile, verbally or physically – had lower blood pressure than men who bottled up their anger or became uncontrollably aggressive.

A good example would be TV anchor, Faye D’Souza, formerly with Mirror Now channel and Arnab Goswami of Republic. On heated debates, Faye would repeatedly extoll her panelists to calm down and only then allow them to speak whereas Arnab not only let those on his show pro his line of thought, get away with murderous comments but jumped into the fray himself. Watching him, I would be afraid he would burst a capillary or two and harm himself.

Expressing anger makes you angrier, solidifies an angry attitude and establishes a hostile habit. Of course, sometimes getting it off your chest helps, but momentary irritations can be ignored until the fury subsides. Chances are that you will feel better and feel better faster, than if you let yourself go on a shouting spree.

So then, obviously the “cool reflective” approach is the best. Where the provoker and the provoked calm down first, then discuss the conflict reasonably with their goal set firmly on finding a resolution. In other words, get to the bottom of the problem to solve the conflict.

There are various ways to manage your anger, here are a few:

The first step is to recognise the anger you are feeling. It’s the biggest obstacle we face. Anger is often denied because we feel guilty about it or perhaps afraid of it. As a result, the feeling is internalised where it festers.
Next, you have to decide what really made you angry. Was it a minor issue, something not really worth getting angry over, then forget it. Count to 10. But if you can’t forget it then perhaps the real source was not the small incident at hand. Go ahead and think it out, ferret out the underlying cause of your hostility. Bring your feelings to the surface and deal with them.
It may take a certain amount of mental strength but you could also try and give the provoker the benefit of doubt. Instead of inflaming your anger by allowing it to feed on thoughts such as, “Who the hell does he think he is?” or “How dare she…,” suggest to yourself that perhaps this person is having a bad day. Come up with some justification for the behaviour, something you could relate to, not something you would yourself find preposterous to believe.
It’s also a good idea to let your grievance be known, without attacking the person. Be tactful, communicate effectively. An important psychological tip is to use “I” instead of “You” to register your complaint. For example, instead of saying, “You know you are wrong. You should not have said that.” You could say, “I am hurt, by your words, my feelings are shattered…”Listening to the other person is the key. But understandably this is a tough technique to master. You are already angry and in no mood to listen to anyone! But, like I said, more than any other aspect of anger management, this one is the most vital, the key step in resolving the conflict. And resolving the conflict is the key to safely diffusing your anger.Lastly, and oh so easy, forgive. When you forgive, there are many positive psychological and physiological changes that take place. You feel calm and more relaxed, you sigh and breathe more easily, your heart rate and blood pressure drop, your heart feels warm and all melty, you may even cry. But more importantly, through forgiveness you once again experience the love that is the essence of your relationship. You remember that you care about this person – which may be why their behaviour hurt so much in the first place.

Believe in the power of forgiveness.
 
UNEMPLOYMENT AND MONEY WORRIES
KEEP CALM, TIMES WILL CHANGE

If psychologists and doctors, worldwide, are worried about the mental and physical state of people, no thanks to the COVID-19, economists are not far behind. In fact, in the queue, the economist may have to get right up front. For after the death statistics are done with (currently, as we write, India stands at 146,000 and worldwide it is 1.69M) and psychological aspects dealt with, it will emerge that the lingering damage caused by the lockdowns and subsequent job losses that the economic meltdown left in its wake, lack of food and money will have a far more debilitating impact on the denizens of the world. More people, it is being said, are already dying of starvation than the COVID. In such a situation we can only implore God to intervene because heads of every state, in every part of the world, from USA to Russia with India in between, seem to be busy in only furthering their own unique political agendas, with scarcely any genuine plan, short-term or long-term about the plight of its people. Barring New Zealand and Singapore, which is my personal opinion.
So the need of the hour is for those who do have money saved is to be cautious and thrifty and to not worry about money, unnecessarily. The world has seen worse times and ultimately things will get better. Even if they get worse before they get better.

So let’s face the situation and find remedies.

Yes, money worries can contribute to a whole host of psychological issues in any family – anxiety, tension, insomnia and depression, to name a few. And those can lead to physical ailments such as arthritis, high blood pressure, ulcers and heart attacks. Most people undergoing money worries will say they get anxiety attacks, that’s because so much is tied up in our capacity to earn a living. For most, money represents security, food in the stomach, roof over one’s head, bills to pay, a way of being in charge of our lives. There are others to whom money could also mean control, power and prestige. And at different levels, for different people, money is what matters, what makes the world go round. Remember Abba’s famous song Money, Money, Money.

However, when we see those values that we attach to money, being taken away, due to loss of jobs, business closure, factories shut, a person’s self-esteem vanishes and is replaced by worry, fear and uncertainty. Confidence in one’s self and the future plummets. Hope and ambition, important characteristics that make people work harder, are destroyed. Unemployment is a glaring issue right now.

Respect Money. Be thrifty, spend wisely.

The thing to do is understand that you are not the only one in this situation. It’s a world crisis. You must rise to the occasion, make yourself believe, you are your own best agent of change. Develop your own unique blueprint for the immediate future. Think, resolve, be creative in how you could tackle the situation. For example, look at the number of home cooks that burst on the culinary firmament.
Create a support system within the family, spouse support being extremely essential. A buffer against stress is all essential to alleviate psychosomatic issues.

Money limitations does not have to mean it’s the end of the world. I know, here I am not addressing the daily wage workers, or even maids and drivers and the like, but those reading this, are very much in touch with them, for various reasons, and it becomes our responsibility to guide them too. So all of us should get down to making an inventory of what we have in store – and then do something, anything – however small or simple, even if it may be seemingly insignificant. Doing something is better than doing nothing. The very action will make you feel less helpless and more in control of your life. That will be the first step towards positive reinforcement.

Another aspect to ponder over is to start on the premise that no income you earn will ever be large enough to cover all your wants. The theory that the more income you have, the greater will be your desires. If one man can afford to gift his wife a Boeing aircraft as a birthday present, there will be another who may be aspiring to take her out to a nice restaurant for a quiet meal. Once you accept this realistic theory, it will make a huge difference to your stress levels and money worries.

A good plan is also what takes into account the small and big expenditures. The daily, weekly, monthly and yearly ones. There are many small “nibblers” which eat into our finances. For most, spending small denominations, which run from a few rupees to a few hundreds to even a couple of thousands, doesn’t seem to create heartburn, and that’s where the catch is. Total up and it will shock you. So what we need to do is list the unnecessary expenses. Don’t ever say, “It isn’t worth fretting over small expenditure.”

Throw away your credit cards. Or at least keep them for judicious spending. I rarely use mine. Except when I am travelling, when it is certainly handy. The economic crash in America a few years ago came about because they spent indiscriminately, outside the sphere of their income. I believe each of them had even 20 credit cards each, to spread out their available credit! A blatant overuse of the system, this kind of credit to supplement their income could only have disastrous consequences. Never live in debt. To get a full import of your buying habits, pay money. I know this is against the current norm, but it’s the only way to control spending. When you count your money and part with it, you will know its full value. As an aside, if I may add, when I was running Afternoon, my daily newspaper, I had instructed the accounts department to pay menial workers (who wanted cash in hand, not cheques sent to the bank), in denominations of Rs. 100 and less, not 500 and never 1000s. In my own way of thinking I felt, the bigger notes robbed you of some of the joy of earning!

When money is limited (and even when it is not) you can lower your anxieties when you know you have spent it wisely!

Give: IT’S GOOD FOR HEALTH

Enough cannot be said on this subject. Giving a helping hand, in any way, is the ultimate act of altruism and it’s something that helps both, the giver and the receiver. It has a tendency to make people both happy and healthy.

In school, I was in the Green House, called St Luke and I used to be in the habit of reading up about this saint. One of the things he espoused was, “It is better to give than to receive.” In his days there weren’t any ECGs and stress tests, but I am sure he was medically accurate, for we do know that people with generous spirits tend to be happier. If you do want to lead a life which is full and healthy, follow the Golden Rule: Doing unto others can do wonderful things unto you.

Believe me, there are enough doctors who say the same. That generous people are not just happier, they are healthier and live longer, too. Generosity actually does come naturally to most of us. Perhaps it is nature’s way of keeping us well.

Giving can be in any form. Of your wealth, of your time, or of yourself. Scientists claim giving of yourself is a strong antidote to stress.

‘As you sow, so shall you reap’, we have heard this adage umpteen number of times. Well, it seems generosity does have some valuable paybacks: like love and gratitude we inspire in those we help, for example. Like stress, love also has a cumulative effect. It’s much like how a squirrel hoards nuts for winter, we can also weather the storms of life by hoarding goodwill. Feelings which will see us through bad times, by being perpetual reminders that though everything is bad around us, we aren’t. Just knowing that can lift our spirits. It’s a natural consequence. In no way am I saying give so you get something in return. Give because your heart prompts you to. And not to get something in return, even if it’s a ‘thank you’. The act has to come from your goodness, that is altruism.

So does all this mean selfishness does the opposite? I don’t know, but I am reminded of my college days when we very proudly upheld Ayn Rand’s, The Virtue of Selfishness. Those were days when Atlas Shrugged was almost an anthem… But you live and you learn and now I can wax eloquent on The Joys of Giving, a book I wish I would write someday!
But seriously, I have read an article by Dr Larry  Scherwitz, a social psychologist, who turns up some startling facts on the study for risk factors in coronary heart disease: The people who referred to themselves using the pronoun I, me, myself for the major part of their lives, were more likely to develop heart diseases, even when other heart-threatening diseases were controlled. The more self-centered people were more likely to die of heart attack than less self-centered,” says Dr Scherwitz.

The reasoning for this is based on the simple fact that this exaggerated focus on the self reinforces the sense of isolation and separateness. This is not in anyone’s self interest. You only make yourself lonely and loneliness kills.

So even if money is not your strength, give of yourself. Like my favourite, Khalil Gibran said, “It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

Volunteer work was in great fashion during my college years. So you would find some of us reading to the blind in the inner sanctum of the library, others donating blood in the college quadrangle. I realise now the importance of all that. Giving has been inculcated into our psyche. Even today I see so many elderly volunteers who go to homes for the aged and spend time with them. They do themselves and others good. Doctors say that the elderly people who engage in volunteer work are a lot better off, visit the doctor less often and have fewer complaints.

But the crux of the matter, I want to get to, the need of the hour… Give of your wealth, indulge in charity. The poor have gone through tremendous hardship in the past seven months or so. They need financial help. The help could even be through opening up job opportunities for them. Tip your gardener, give bakshish to your security guard, sweets and chocolates to the little children who hang around the traffic signals near your home. Just give!

I have a brother-in-law who never passes by a hungry man without feeding him, if he can help it. There is so much that plays out right in front of us everyday. Notice. Help. Give. Just do it!