Farzana Contractor believes in living life true to her nature. To uphold her missive – live life simply, honestly – she urges us to regain the old style of stress-free living like our forefathers did. When they knew just how much was enough to be content, happy and healthy

Indulge in Self-Care, Be ‘Selfish’

Wabi Sabi teaches you to accept life and a way of living in all forms and manner. It teaches you to take care of the larger world, as well as your immediate cocoon. Respect nature, love your home, look after your pets and most importantly, take care of yourself. Which is what I want to address in this article. Looking after yourself, looking in the mirror and saying, “Hey, I love you!” And just to make it clear, I am addressing only women.

I notice, increasingly, the more you give of yourself, the more there are those waiting to take. Take, take and take. Altruistic living is certainly taking a beating. Appreciation for living a selfless life, as we all have, indeed, been taught to live, hardly seems to be coming our way. Forget appreciation, if you are the giver, it is the taker’s birthright to grab. All taken for granted, of course. Yet, move away from the path a wee bit and, start to do something for yourself, you are labelled, ‘selfish, conceited,’ Really?

Raise your hand if you feel you have been shortchanged. If you feel you have lived all your life, for others. For your husband, children, boyfriend, sisters, brothers, even parents. And the neighbour and his cat (I would make an allowance for a dog). But seriously, most women spend a big chunk of their lives just living for others. In the bargain, they seem to have forgotten their woes, their needs, their desires, until one day when the bubble bursts and they wonder where did life go, exactly.

Stop! Stop doing that. Pause, take a deep breath, grab a pen, a writing pad and start making notes. When was the last time you really, really, did something for yourself? Did something that made you immensely happy. I am not talking about going for a mundane pedicure or a facial or that sort of thing. Something that elevated you emotionally and gave you a sense of being proud to be a woman. When was the last time someone did something for you, uplifted your spirit, made you feel special, wanted, cared for?

Time to make a checklist. Use your pen and pad!

You know I am not a pessimist. Quite on the contrary. I am also aware I am a giver. I have suffered a bit in the bargain. My husband made me aware of that, three decades ago. He said, “Try as much as you will, you will not change, that’s the nature of the beast. A giver gives and a taker takes. So stop making yourself unhappy. Accept the fact. Be yourself.”

But no, I got thinking on those lines again, recently, when I saw how many women, my own friends were trapped in this mould. Givers, sustainers, supporters, endlessly, selflessly sharing their life; time, love, physical, mental and emotional energy, with no returns… subtly aware of how much they do for others but living in denial. A good wife, mum, does not wish to upset the family equilibrium, or worse, hurt her husband and children.

Times have changed. We do live in an equal world, why then should it be just the woman who plays that role. Neglect herself, put her life on hold. So here is advice for all those wonderful, selfless, women. Give it up. Start practising the virtues of selfishness, it is perfectly alright.

I was surprised to learn that selflessness comes instinctively (and eventually leads to resentment and hurt and sorrow), but practising selfishness is a learned process. That’s how the human brain is tweaked. Selfishness does not come naturally. You have to practise it. Don’t get me wrong. I am saying be selfish as in take care of yourself, for no one else will. Indulge in self care. For you deserve it – after all these years. And don’t feel guilty.

In college, I was a fan of Ayn Rand, like most of my peers. Atlas Shrugged was like a bible and The Fountainhead an anthem. One of her books, The Virtues of Selfishness, which she wrote in 1964, was also a subject for a debate, one year at St. Xavier’s. Honestly, I can’t remember the outcome of that debate, but I can tell you, it was a great feeling to toss your hair, keep your back straight, chin up, and walk through the quadrangle, to the canteen. That selfishness was about being confident. About looking good, being sought-after as a sports star, about being responsible for your own future. So there are those virtues of selfishness, too, of being self-secure, about trusting yourself and your own sense of self-worth.

 That is what I am now extolling. A balance between being the care-giver and self-care taker. Drawing a line, creating a limit. There is absolutely no point in going over the edge, if at the end of a selfless day, all you are doing is tossing and turning in bed, awake and upset. Wondering why you ‘took it’, why you did not ‘speak up’, why you did not say, “NO!”

Remember when ‘give’ is outweighed by ‘take’, deep resentment always sets in and it ends up in fatigue, emotional drain, affecting relationships. It’s living in a joyless state, just going on day to day. So, start to prioritise your own needs, the act of giving cannot end up in harming you, can it? Especially when it has been established that chronic stress is linked to a number of health risks, serious stuff like cancer and diabetes and of course mental illnesses.

Let ‘me time’ take on a new meaning. Make yourself a nice warm concoction of saffron, lime and honey, sip it slowly, draw up the curtains and get into bed. Even if it’s the middle of the day and there are chores waiting. Read if you feel like (but not on the phone, that demon you must put off), listen to music, if you wish. But chances are you will drift off to sleep. Sleep has been the biggest compromise you have made.